ELEVATOR GAS
Table of Contents

De Minimus Non Curat Lex Except When “In Flagrante Delicto” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 1
My Lawyer is the Oldest Lawyer Alive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 2
The Judge Who Should be Sent to Jail Because of the Criminal He Let Go . . . . . . Page 3
The $200,000 Dog . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 4
The Waiting Room, Will Hump . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5
A Lawyer’s Bathtub Mentality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 6
The Divorce Bug Spreads Like the Flu, i.e., Damaged Goods. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 7
Two Halves Don’t Make a Whole: The Case of the Cow and Sheep . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 8
If My Neck Was Any Stiffer It Could Have Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 9
I Want My Parents to Divorce so I can Go to College . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 10
The Judges Who Wore Nothing Under Their Robe; Coitus Break . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 11
Temporary Insanity as a Defense; or the Cement Man’s Revenge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 12
The Prenuptial Contract, a/k/a Get It While You Can . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 14
We Should’ve Listened to the Kids. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 15
The Judge Who “Red Carded” Attorneys . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 16
Dump the Spendthrift and Pocket the Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 17
The Content Couple; the Lawyer and the Shrink . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 18
In Court; The Just Sentence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 19
Dogs Aren’t Bricks or Chairs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 20
Most Second Marriages Fail Because of Step-Kids . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 21
The Lawyer Everyone Knew How to Play . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 22
The CEO, Do As I Say Not As I Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 23
Judge Peter C, the No-Frills Judge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 24
He Knew It All But Knew Nothing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 25
The Unwanted Partner; Take a Hike Bro . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 26
The Happy Client; Pounding the Other Side . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27
The Devil’s Advocate; The Client From Hell . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 28
Flatulating as a Tactic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 29
Being a Nice Guy in a Divorce Doesn’t Work (a/k/a Nice Guys Finish Last) . . . . Page 30
He’s Not Crying Because He’s Sorry for What He Did; But Because He
Was Caught . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 31
The Spillage Between the Cup and the Lip . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 32
He Fought Like Hell for Every Cent and Then He Gave it Away . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 33
Booby Prizes are Reserved for Lawyers Who Represent Themselves . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 34
My Lawyer has No Personality; He’s Like a Telephone Pole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 35
The Greedy Stepchildren Forced the Old Folks to Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 36
She Had Ten Personalities and Confused the Hell Out of Her Attorney . . . . . . . . . Page 37
The Middle-Aged Divorced Woman is the Happiest of All . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 38
She Cried But Had No Tears . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 39
The Weeds in Our Garden were Lawyers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 40
It’s the End of the Day, So Get Lost Mr. Client . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 41
The Stupid Judge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 42
Stupid Lips Slip Important Tips; The Arrogant Paralegal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 43
I Have Tire Tracks Running Down My Body . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 44
Yesterday I Quit the Practice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 45
Getting Rid of My Spouse is Too Expensive So I Better Keep Her . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 46
Ignoring the Lawyer & Relying on the Friend for Advice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 47
The Kissing Your Sister Judge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 48
Short, Childless Marriage’s Make the Worst Divorces (a/k/a I’d Rather
Give Everything to the Lawyer Than You) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 49
Life’s Tough Lesson; There’s No Reward for Living Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 50
The Name Change Game: I Don’t Want Her to Have My Name
and I’m Not Changing Mine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 51
She’ll Never Be Happy with Anything, Even Trial . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 52
Tit for Tat; You Ain’t Getting Any of It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 53
Couples with Two Names are Headed for Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 54
I Traded the Asshole for My House . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 55
Every Trial Has a Ghost . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 56
A Diversion: The Odd Dressing Lawyer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 57
The Judge Who Ruled Black is White . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 58
In a Deficit Divorce, the Truth is Hard to Find . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 59
The Misoganist’s Prison & Modus Operandi . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 60
Mr. Mom: Beware of the Husband that’s Not Helping You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 62
Lawyering: It’s an Ungrateful Profession . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 63
A Lawyer’s Dream, the Contingent Fee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 64
The Parent Who Enlists the Child to be Their Solider . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 66
Old Lawyers Need a Smart, Young Staff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 67
There’s No Place for Religion in a Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 68
“I Know the Judge” Said the Crooked Lawyer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 69
Counselor as Client Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 70
The Client that Shouldn’t Have Been Taken . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 72
The Coquette Lady Lawyer: Suck Up to Someone Else . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 73
Vicious Circle of Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 74
It Isn’t Worth Being a Judge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 75
The One Who Has the Gold Rules the Roost . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 76
Competitive Spouses are Doomed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 77
My Mediator and Attorney Were Best Friends . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 78
The Wife Who Charged for Sex But Lived to Regret It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 79
The Hypochondriac is Cured by a Six Inch Needle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 80
Old Shit for Brains Judge; No One Understands What He Says or Rules . . . . . . . . Page 81
The Judge’s Wife’s Dilemma; Create Two Piles and I Pick . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 82
He Lives Off His Expense Account – To the Detriment of His Family . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 84
Only Criminals Can Chose Between Life and Death . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 85
The Limburg Organ Grinder and His Duck . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 86
The Prodigal Son . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 87
Wipers, Fans and Motors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 88
The Loser, Daddy’s Boy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 89
Penny Pinching Doesn’t Pay . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 90
The Five “S’s” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 91
Money Can Buy Happiness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 92
The European Union, Lesson One: Speak English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 93
Sympathetic Symptoms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 94
Stupid People are Needed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 95
Everyone Needs Someone to Hate, A Parody . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . Page 96
The Conductor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 97
Starter Marriages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 98
Chinese Don’t Buy Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 99
The Deli Lama . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 100